Yesterday was a little bit weird for me.
Okay.
A lot a bit.
There was a homecoming in my ward for a sister who served her full 18 months. The goal for all sister missionaries, ya know? That year a half that we devote to this beautiful gospel we have been blessed with.
I got my 9 months and came home.
And don't get me wrong. It was what had to happen. I needed to come home. Especially since I'm still getting my killer migraines. Side note: Not as fun as people thing they are. -.-
ANYWHO. Back to topic.
So I'm sitting there in sacrament meeting listening to this sister speak. And it was beautiful. Really. I thought she did a phenomenal job and really invited the spirit to be there with us. She was the typical sister missionary. The soft, sweet voice. The maturity of growing and experiencing life in a different culture. All of that jazz.
Then I thought back to myself.
...If you know me.. I'm not that. I never was the sister to sit and say in hushed, loving tones: "Well, brother and sister, Blah blah blah blah." That wasn't me. I was loud. I was direct. I was straight to the point. I cracked jokes constantly.
Coming home, I felt like I wasn't converted like other sister missionaries. That I must not have done my part in the field. I just took it for a joke.
IT'S NOT TRUE.
Satan, ya know? He works at ya. Gets to you in whatever way He possibly can.
Okay, so maybe I'm not like most sister missionaries to return from their mission.
BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE.
While I was out in the beautiful country of Mexico, I really learned who I was. I learned that it's okay to like yourself. That I may be freaking weird... but that is why I had so many amazing relationships. I believe that we are sent to our missions for who we ARE. Not just what we need to become.
The people that I came to know in Mexico, even for my short time I was there, were the greatest humans to ever exist. I can tell you for a FACT that I was sent to Mexico to meet Perla and Ofelia Mendoza. Ramon Calderon. The Maldonado Family. Maria Hernandez. Dani and Ale Navarro. And so many more. Whether it was for them or for me... I know that because of who I am, it was necessary to meet them.
Sure. I changed dramatically on my mission. My testimony is unshakeable, now. I know that this Gospel of Jesus Christ is the true gospel. I know that I am a daughter of a KING. I learned how to live alone, and how to take care of your companion when they need someone. I learned to not judge someone for their past, no matter how bleak and hard it might have been. I came to know that I have a relationship with my Heavenly Father.. a relationship that means more to me than anything else on the planet.
What am I trying to say with this random post of words?
It's okay. It's okay to be the weird sister missionary who still is loud and crazy. It's okay to feel like you aren't LIKE THE REST.
Be you. Be who you want to be. Do what you want to do. Say what you want and need to say. I'm grateful I'm not like other sister missionaries that have come home. I'm grateful that I'm still just as crazy as the day I left. I'm grateful that I found out who I am.
The mission... My heart isn't all here with me in little Utah. Benemerito, Vallejo... that is where the other part of me is. And it will forever be a place indescribable.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
The Spirit Testifies
There are many things from my mission that I keep near and dear to my heart. Things that only my companions and I shared, whether with each other or with the amazing people we were with. They are things that I will never be able to express or share with others, because they are so special to me. So sacred.
But there is one story that I will always share. I will always testify that the Holy Ghost is a partner, right along with our Savior and Heavenly Father. The Holy Ghost will ALWAYS testify of the truth. Of the things we should be doing. The good. The correct. The "bueno".
My last week before I came home was a roller coaster. It was one week that I will never be able to forget. Every day is etched in my testimony.
Monday was an amazing day. I got to see old friends in the mission. We were able to hang out, eat some tacos, and just talk and relax. The joy of P-day. While there, I received a call from President Hall. He asked my companion and I to come to his house that night so that I could talk with my amazing stake president, President Spackman. We had to discuss what we were going to do about my health problems. Whether I was going to stay in the mission.
Now you have to understand... up to this point, I had been fighting my illness for 7 months. I was doing everything to stay. I wasn't ever ready to go. But then again, I don't think anyone really ever is.
We got to President Hall's house, and I ran upstairs to chat with President Spackman. The second we started talking, I just cried. Hearing a voice from home that has influenced me since I was a little girl was a tender moment. We talked and we both knew I was going to stay. I was going to finish this mission if it killed me. I had the desire. The faith. It was the goal. With that, we ended the phone call, both on a good note. I had an appointment with the mission doctor the next day to see if he would clear me to stay or not.
You could say my anxiety was at a level 47 on a scale of 1-10.
Tuesday, I headed out with two other Hermana's leaving my daughter, Hermana Gomez, in another area with another missionary. Side note: Never was fun to do that. We both were so relieved to be home together again every time.
The doctor was located at the Mexico Temple, so it was about an hour and a half drive from our mission. Long, stressful, and a painful. That is the only way to describe this unavoidable drive. We got to his offices, and started to discuss with the doctors the problems I had been having. By this time, I had already visited the doctors multiple times in my mission. We had a pretty good relationship. After about 25 minutes of discussion, the doctor and his wife looked me straight in the eye and said, "I'm sorry, sister. We think the only option for you is to go home and get the help you need."
My heart broke.
You know that pain, that heartache that you can literally feel pounding in your chest?
I was experiencing this. But I wasn't ready to back down. To stop. To just... give up.
I'm not a quitter.
We returned home, all a little bit more quiet. This wasn't the end. We knew it.
Wednesday came. I was sick that day. We went and did as much work as we could. But I just couldn't keep up with the flow of the day. My head was killing me. My vision was in and out all day. I stayed with members while my companion went to work with a member. I slept a lot that day.. so, so, so much.
Thursday. Thursday was...
There really isn't a word for it. I could say it was the most heartbreaking day in my entire life. The hardest thing I had ever done. The saddest decision I had ever had to make. I could say all of that. But it wouldn't explain the feelings that I had this day. I woke up, still sick. But I wasn't wasting another day in the house. We went to work, just as we always did. We met up with the elders at 2:00 to go and eat with a member of our amazing ward. While there, I received a call from President Hall. He asked how I was feeling, and me.. being Courtney.. replied, "So good, President! I feel great!" Needless to say, he could tell by my tone of held back tears, I wasn't doing so hot. He asked me, "Hermana Hamilton. I need to know. What is your decision? Are you going to stay or go home? This is your decision, but I need to know."
My response? "President. I'm not going. I won't. I'm staying. We have so much work to do here. I will suck it up. I will work through it. It's WORTH IT."
President Hall - "Okay, hermana. It's okay. I will let your stake president know."
I went back into the members house, a little shaken up, but feeling good with my decision.
Then twenty minutes passed.
20. Minutes.
President called us again. I thought he would be telling me, "Hermana Hamilton, your stake president is on board with you staying. You're going to be okay."
That was not the call I got.
Me - "Hi, president! Everything okay?"
President Hall - "Hermana.. I think you need to come to my house. I feel like we need to call your parents."
Me - "But President... I said I'm staying?"
President - "I know, Hermana. But I just feel like we need to call them."
I started crying the second we hung up. We jumped in a taxi, silent the entire way there. Hermana Gomez just kept patting my shoulder. Letting me know it was going to be alright. We got to President's house, hugs were shared, and I went upstairs to call my mom. When they answered, three of my favorite people happened to be there.
My mom.
My grandpa.
And my baby sister.
We started chatting. My mom wanted to know everything. EVERYTHING. I told her how I was feeling, but that I wanted to stay. I didn't understand why we were even talking! My mom agreed, and my sister and grandpa supported her. We were all on the same page. I was staying. No if's, and's, or but's. After half an hour of beating around it, trying to find out why we were even talking, I asked to talk to my little sister.
Now, you have to know. This girl is a little punk. But she is the child that I love and respect more than any other person on the entire planet. She is my best friend. She is my girl. I asked her straightforward what I should do.
Gracie was in agreement with my mom and grandpa. But the next thing she said to me changed everything.
She literally stopped. Thought for a second. And said, "Court... I want you to stay out.. but I think you need to come home. I think this is something bad and you need to be here so it doesn't get worse."
And with that, I knew I was coming home. In that instant, the Spirit testified to me... more than I have ever felt in my entire life. It was a wave of reassurance. Of clarity. This is the decision I was looking for. I had spent 7 months praying and asking which answer was right. I never received an answer. I spend 7 months telling my Heavenly Father that I was staying. I was going to finish the Lord's Errand I was on. But the second this little 13 year old girl told me I needed to come home, I received the answer I had been searching for. The craziest part? I'm not the only one who knew. My mom and grandpa had felt it in that moment. We all started sobbing. We knew that was it. I was going home. I was going HOME.
I got off the phone with them, still crying. I went to talk with President Hall and stepped into his office...and just lost it. I cried more than I think I ever had in my entire mission. He told me he knew I was going before I said anything. He was just letting me make the decision for myself.
I didn't have the heart to tell my companion, but she knew. She just.. knew. We hugged and cried and cried and hugged a little bit more.
Friday came and President was on the phone with Salt Lake City, telling them what was going to happen. That I would need to be home as soon as possible.
Saturday the secretaries called me telling me I would be leaving Monday morning with the other elders and sisters that were finishing their missions.
Sunday, I packed my entire life in a few suitcases, said goodbye to the greatest ward of my life, the greatest missionaries that I had the pleasure of working with, and my best friend, my companion. I got to presidents house, I had my final interview. We did the big last dinner. Then a testimony meeting that was one of the most beautiful experiences of my mission.
Monday morning, I woke up. I got dressed and ready, just as always. I threw my luggage in a car, and we were off. We got to the airport and started to head home. We landed in Dallas, feeling more strange than ever. Everyone knew English.. it was getting real.
We were coming h-o-m-e.
Pulling into the Salt Lake City airport was... emotional. First, you see the mountains. Then you see the B for Bountiful, while passing MY Bountiful temple. The next sight is the city. Our tiny little city that we love... then you see the Salt Lake Temple. And you know. You feel it.
You've made it.
I remember jumping onto my knees in the seat and looking back at the elders I was coming home with. We all had tears in our eyes.
Coming out of the plane, down the stairs, and around the corner to a whole gaggle of people crying and cheering for you is one of the most... amazing things you will ever feel. You will ever see. I remember running to my mom and sister and brother, throwing my arms around them. Just crying.
I was home.
It was hard. Hard to make the decision to come. But I know that God had me come home for a reason. I did what I was supposed to in Mexico. And even if I wished it could have been longer, it was time. I will forever be grateful for my little sister, opening her mouth and just saying what needed to be said. And I will testify until the day I die and hereafter... the Spirit is always with us when we are living correctly. He will help us with those decisions that maybe we aren't ready to admit. But He will comfort us. Be our friend. Our companion. This gospel is true. It's black and white. It's either all true, or it's not. And I can say, with complete surety, I know for myself, that the Gospel of Jesus Christ, The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-day Saints is the true church. I know it. And I am grateful for that knowledge that I have gained for myself.
But there is one story that I will always share. I will always testify that the Holy Ghost is a partner, right along with our Savior and Heavenly Father. The Holy Ghost will ALWAYS testify of the truth. Of the things we should be doing. The good. The correct. The "bueno".
My last week before I came home was a roller coaster. It was one week that I will never be able to forget. Every day is etched in my testimony.
Monday was an amazing day. I got to see old friends in the mission. We were able to hang out, eat some tacos, and just talk and relax. The joy of P-day. While there, I received a call from President Hall. He asked my companion and I to come to his house that night so that I could talk with my amazing stake president, President Spackman. We had to discuss what we were going to do about my health problems. Whether I was going to stay in the mission.
Now you have to understand... up to this point, I had been fighting my illness for 7 months. I was doing everything to stay. I wasn't ever ready to go. But then again, I don't think anyone really ever is.
We got to President Hall's house, and I ran upstairs to chat with President Spackman. The second we started talking, I just cried. Hearing a voice from home that has influenced me since I was a little girl was a tender moment. We talked and we both knew I was going to stay. I was going to finish this mission if it killed me. I had the desire. The faith. It was the goal. With that, we ended the phone call, both on a good note. I had an appointment with the mission doctor the next day to see if he would clear me to stay or not.
You could say my anxiety was at a level 47 on a scale of 1-10.
Tuesday, I headed out with two other Hermana's leaving my daughter, Hermana Gomez, in another area with another missionary. Side note: Never was fun to do that. We both were so relieved to be home together again every time.
The doctor was located at the Mexico Temple, so it was about an hour and a half drive from our mission. Long, stressful, and a painful. That is the only way to describe this unavoidable drive. We got to his offices, and started to discuss with the doctors the problems I had been having. By this time, I had already visited the doctors multiple times in my mission. We had a pretty good relationship. After about 25 minutes of discussion, the doctor and his wife looked me straight in the eye and said, "I'm sorry, sister. We think the only option for you is to go home and get the help you need."
My heart broke.
You know that pain, that heartache that you can literally feel pounding in your chest?
I was experiencing this. But I wasn't ready to back down. To stop. To just... give up.
I'm not a quitter.
We returned home, all a little bit more quiet. This wasn't the end. We knew it.
Wednesday came. I was sick that day. We went and did as much work as we could. But I just couldn't keep up with the flow of the day. My head was killing me. My vision was in and out all day. I stayed with members while my companion went to work with a member. I slept a lot that day.. so, so, so much.
Thursday. Thursday was...
There really isn't a word for it. I could say it was the most heartbreaking day in my entire life. The hardest thing I had ever done. The saddest decision I had ever had to make. I could say all of that. But it wouldn't explain the feelings that I had this day. I woke up, still sick. But I wasn't wasting another day in the house. We went to work, just as we always did. We met up with the elders at 2:00 to go and eat with a member of our amazing ward. While there, I received a call from President Hall. He asked how I was feeling, and me.. being Courtney.. replied, "So good, President! I feel great!" Needless to say, he could tell by my tone of held back tears, I wasn't doing so hot. He asked me, "Hermana Hamilton. I need to know. What is your decision? Are you going to stay or go home? This is your decision, but I need to know."
My response? "President. I'm not going. I won't. I'm staying. We have so much work to do here. I will suck it up. I will work through it. It's WORTH IT."
President Hall - "Okay, hermana. It's okay. I will let your stake president know."
I went back into the members house, a little shaken up, but feeling good with my decision.
Then twenty minutes passed.
20. Minutes.
President called us again. I thought he would be telling me, "Hermana Hamilton, your stake president is on board with you staying. You're going to be okay."
That was not the call I got.
Me - "Hi, president! Everything okay?"
President Hall - "Hermana.. I think you need to come to my house. I feel like we need to call your parents."
Me - "But President... I said I'm staying?"
President - "I know, Hermana. But I just feel like we need to call them."
I started crying the second we hung up. We jumped in a taxi, silent the entire way there. Hermana Gomez just kept patting my shoulder. Letting me know it was going to be alright. We got to President's house, hugs were shared, and I went upstairs to call my mom. When they answered, three of my favorite people happened to be there.
My mom.
My grandpa.
And my baby sister.
We started chatting. My mom wanted to know everything. EVERYTHING. I told her how I was feeling, but that I wanted to stay. I didn't understand why we were even talking! My mom agreed, and my sister and grandpa supported her. We were all on the same page. I was staying. No if's, and's, or but's. After half an hour of beating around it, trying to find out why we were even talking, I asked to talk to my little sister.
Now, you have to know. This girl is a little punk. But she is the child that I love and respect more than any other person on the entire planet. She is my best friend. She is my girl. I asked her straightforward what I should do.
Gracie was in agreement with my mom and grandpa. But the next thing she said to me changed everything.
She literally stopped. Thought for a second. And said, "Court... I want you to stay out.. but I think you need to come home. I think this is something bad and you need to be here so it doesn't get worse."
And with that, I knew I was coming home. In that instant, the Spirit testified to me... more than I have ever felt in my entire life. It was a wave of reassurance. Of clarity. This is the decision I was looking for. I had spent 7 months praying and asking which answer was right. I never received an answer. I spend 7 months telling my Heavenly Father that I was staying. I was going to finish the Lord's Errand I was on. But the second this little 13 year old girl told me I needed to come home, I received the answer I had been searching for. The craziest part? I'm not the only one who knew. My mom and grandpa had felt it in that moment. We all started sobbing. We knew that was it. I was going home. I was going HOME.
I got off the phone with them, still crying. I went to talk with President Hall and stepped into his office...and just lost it. I cried more than I think I ever had in my entire mission. He told me he knew I was going before I said anything. He was just letting me make the decision for myself.
I didn't have the heart to tell my companion, but she knew. She just.. knew. We hugged and cried and cried and hugged a little bit more.
Friday came and President was on the phone with Salt Lake City, telling them what was going to happen. That I would need to be home as soon as possible.
Saturday the secretaries called me telling me I would be leaving Monday morning with the other elders and sisters that were finishing their missions.
Sunday, I packed my entire life in a few suitcases, said goodbye to the greatest ward of my life, the greatest missionaries that I had the pleasure of working with, and my best friend, my companion. I got to presidents house, I had my final interview. We did the big last dinner. Then a testimony meeting that was one of the most beautiful experiences of my mission.
Monday morning, I woke up. I got dressed and ready, just as always. I threw my luggage in a car, and we were off. We got to the airport and started to head home. We landed in Dallas, feeling more strange than ever. Everyone knew English.. it was getting real.
We were coming h-o-m-e.
Pulling into the Salt Lake City airport was... emotional. First, you see the mountains. Then you see the B for Bountiful, while passing MY Bountiful temple. The next sight is the city. Our tiny little city that we love... then you see the Salt Lake Temple. And you know. You feel it.
You've made it.
I remember jumping onto my knees in the seat and looking back at the elders I was coming home with. We all had tears in our eyes.
Coming out of the plane, down the stairs, and around the corner to a whole gaggle of people crying and cheering for you is one of the most... amazing things you will ever feel. You will ever see. I remember running to my mom and sister and brother, throwing my arms around them. Just crying.
I was home.
It was hard. Hard to make the decision to come. But I know that God had me come home for a reason. I did what I was supposed to in Mexico. And even if I wished it could have been longer, it was time. I will forever be grateful for my little sister, opening her mouth and just saying what needed to be said. And I will testify until the day I die and hereafter... the Spirit is always with us when we are living correctly. He will help us with those decisions that maybe we aren't ready to admit. But He will comfort us. Be our friend. Our companion. This gospel is true. It's black and white. It's either all true, or it's not. And I can say, with complete surety, I know for myself, that the Gospel of Jesus Christ, The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-day Saints is the true church. I know it. And I am grateful for that knowledge that I have gained for myself.
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